BootyNet Corporation (NASDAQ: BOOTY)
To Our Valued Shareholders,
Q1 was, in the fullest sense of the phrase, a quarter that happened. We are pleased — contractually obligated, in fact, per Section 4.2 of our Founder’s original vision statement — to report that BootyNet continued to exist for all thirteen weeks of the period, a retention rate of 100%, up 0% quarter-over-quarter.
Financial Highlights
- Revenue: Effectively theoretical, but trending up and to the right on a chart we made ourselves
- EBITDA: A number we invented and are now emotionally attached to
- Net Peering Capacity: Expanded across BNET-IX, BSAT-IX, and WNG-IX, three exchanges that exist primarily to have their own dashboards
- Customer Churn: Impossible to calculate, as we remain unclear on how many customers we have ever had
Operational Highlights
BootyNode™ Residential Mesh completed its launch quarter, bringing enterprise-grade jargon to residential hallways everywhere. Early adoption metrics are, like most things at BootyNet, self-reported and unaudited.
Zero-Trust™ Platform experienced a significant incident this quarter, the full postmortem for which remains available at reporting.coolsite.cc for shareholders who enjoy reading about their own vulnerability in granular technical detail. We want to be clear: trust was, briefly, at zero. We have since restored it to a number greater than zero, which we are calling a full recovery.
Maritime Roaming Initiative remains in active development, as our engineers continue to grapple with the sobering discovery that the ocean is, in fact, quite large and mostly empty of cell towers. Status: “We’re On It.”
BootyNet Helpline launched to great fanfare among the three people who called it. Average hold time is being calculated using a methodology we’re still finalizing.
A Note on Forward-Looking Statements
This letter contains forward-looking statements, including but not limited to our belief that Q2 will also occur. These statements are based on assumptions that may not age well and reflect management’s current expectations, which are subject to change whenever management remembers this letter exists.
Looking Ahead
Q2 priorities include continued expansion of our fictional peering relationships, further hardening of Zero-Trust™ (working title: Zero-Trust 2: Now With Actual Trust), and ongoing pursuit of our long-term strategic vision, which we will define as soon as we think of one.
We thank our shareholders — all of whom are also our founder, our sysadmin, and occasionally our cat — for their continued confidence.
Onward and upward, or at least onward,
Gerald Booty, Chief Executive Officer, BootyNet, Inc.
This letter was issued on the 3rd of April 2026
This letter was prepared without the involvement of outside auditors, lawyers, or anyone with a finance background.